原创散文:聊天笔记(1)
作者[孙守仁] 发表于[2010-11-11 6:08:00]
聊天笔记(1)
□孙守仁
光在今年七月,我(太阳部落)就涂鸦了二十几首诗歌。为提高质量,常常把写好的诗歌发到轻盈如梦(芷若汀兰)QQ上,请她帮助斟酌。她二话没说,边看边指出毛病。比如《夜》,还有《乡音》都是经过她的手,非但提出看法,而且帮我反复修改,发到博客上的诗歌,有她一份功劳。十月六日上午,我将《一块磨刀石》诗歌,发给了轻盈如梦。她像往常一样,句句不离诗。帮我一段一段地分析,既有肯定,又有希望;既从立意着眼,又不放过瑕疵,受益匪浅。于是,我把聊天记录整理了一下。这可是原滋原味,没掺半点假。我发到博客上,晒晒太阳,或许对网友们有益。我给我写的文字,起了个名,叫《聊天记录》。或许,这仅是个开端!
轻盈如梦:呀,恭喜您呀!这诗写的非常好!
太阳部落:是吗?别呼悠我了!
轻盈如梦:是的您的诗终于成型了您看我帮您分析一下。
太阳部落:好呀,你说。
轻盈如梦:您看不是忽悠。首先您的诗的写作风格手法是先抑后扬。
太阳部落:是吗?或许是?!
轻盈如梦:抑,其实是说磨刀石在普通人的眼里很普通,这是个事实。
太阳部落:嗯!你分析得对。
轻盈如梦:所以我想,你这首诗发出来,会有很多人能接受。
太阳部落:嗯!能达到这个效果?
轻盈如梦:整个第一段,有五句,有三个押韵:隅、起、衣。韵押得不牵强,很自然的。并且有一种水花飞溅的感觉,也就是说具有很好的灵动性。
太阳部落:嗯!有起伏,比平平淡淡强。
轻盈如梦:第二自然段,推出了刀。刀是他的兄弟。其实在普遍人心里,刀是让人望而生畏的东西,在读者的心里,加了低调的砝码,并且还有可能掠出一丝丝的恐惧感,类似在菜里加了麻辣料,把低沉弄活了,所以更具有低温的杀伤力。辅助衬托了第一段。
太阳部落:有时,我也在找感觉。
太阳部落:你说的有道理。
轻盈如梦:然后,后三段您用了拟人手法,把刀写成了英雄,并又简练地演绎了磨刀石与刀之间的故事。从而使读者产生了空间的美感。用刀的英雄传奇,来说磨刀石的伟大。
太阳部落:是这样的。你说的句句在理。佩服!
轻盈如梦:然后,刀在身上/走来踱去/悦耳音色好惬意/日月更迭日渐老矣/宁愿为他人牺牲自己。点明了主题有绿叶配红花的深沉。并且语言灵动活泼,有着极强的音乐感。
轻盈如梦:英雄豪杰诉说他的历史/连青面兽杨志都竖起拇指/那把刀之所以成其宝/奥妙源于一块磨刀石。这段说的是,他受到拿刀英雄豪杰的青睐,从而更加深化了主题......
太阳部落:呵呵!你有雅兴评论这首诗,看来我写的还算是诗呀!
轻盈如梦:您看您,这诗这样写,就叫引人入胜。
太阳部落:夸奖。这诗是跟你聊天聊出来的。
轻盈如梦:哈哈,是呀那说明您写诗的技巧已经成熟了!
太阳部落:不敢当!不敢当!主要是你的指导好!
太阳部落:不厌其烦地修改。
轻盈如梦:再提一点,不一定是毛病。但是,我想拿出来跟您说说,就是说,你有个手法模式“连青面兽杨志都竖起拇指”,这个“连”字法,算是您的独家手法吧,您的诗里,有百分之七十都用了这个手法。
太阳部落:是有这个问题。
轻盈如梦:我担心,读您的诗读多了,读者会感觉您的诗是套出来的。
轻盈如梦:以后再写的时候,要注意突破一下,这样您的诗会更灵活,灵活才会灵动,灵动就具有新的生命力!
太阳部落:如果不变幻,久而久之会落入俗套。或者说是复写了。
轻盈如梦:别的就没什么了,注意语言的生动性、灵动性、格式的多样性。还有是内容的丰满性……
轻盈如梦:再一点就是意义,这是必须要有的!只有有意义才会深刻!
太阳部落:是这样的。没有意义的诗,可能就失去写诗的目的了。
轻盈如梦:YES!
太阳部落:哟哟哟!我这个不会写诗的,却捡了个大便宜,没花一分钱,听到了老师的讲座,竟然收获了写诗之章法。
轻盈如梦:嘿嘿!
Re:原创散文:聊天笔记(1)
作者[孙守仁] 发表于[2010-11-11 6:12:47]
呵呵!晒晒我的聊天笔记,博友是怎样帮我写诗的!
Re:原创散文:聊天笔记(1)
作者[呼庆法] 发表于[2010-11-13 14:21:09]
老兄,要不断进步呀!诗歌要早有大成啊!近日看到了《安徽安全生产》上《安全员》小说的连载,强烈祝贺!!!
原创
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原创
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原创
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[khwrv(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-17 2:35:16]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[vukmp(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-18 0:05:47]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[atwxb(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-18 4:27:29]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[zptvz(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-20 12:39:37]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[soekm(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-20 19:52:48]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[xtilo(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-21 3:54:31]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[qpfgk(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-22 3:09:55]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[azpru(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-22 4:29:41]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[vtidg(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-22 15:14:56]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[moswa(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-22 23:29:35]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[bxprv(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-23 2:07:40]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[rpgim(游客)] 发表于[2016-10-23 12:06:15]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[bfjnr(游客)] 发表于[2017-2-18 13:08:43]
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Re:在漫画中识别身边的违章
作者[ozjkn(游客)] 发表于[2017-2-22 23:09:28]
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作者[rphim(游客)] 发表于[2017-3-4 13:46:05]
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作者[ocgko(游客)] 发表于[2017-3-4 13:59:57]
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